While I was not familiar with this eating disorder when I was 13 I was suffering from it.
I never felt pretty enough, talented enough, strong enough, or anything enough. My parents had drilled perfection into my brain since I was born, so of course if I wasn't perfect I was never good enough. My parents never harped on my appearance...but I did.
I was miserable in school. Middle school was fucking hell. I was hanging out with the wrong people, and I had a god awful reputation. I spent most of 7th grade trying to salvage said reputation and succeeded to some degree. I hated my body though. My body was the reason I was hanging out with the only people I thought would accept me. I felt invisible to everybody else...
Then 8th grade happened. I was in a church small group full of beautiful, size zero girls. I wanted to be like them so badly, but I had no clue how to do it. I knew my mom had tried diets before and I thought I could lose weight that way too. But, I took it to the extreme. I stopped eating. I just shut myself down. I would consume 100 calories, maybe, on a "bad" day.
The weight flew off me. I lost 22lbs in the span of 14 days. It was the biggest rush of my life. I felt totally and completely in control for the first time, it was like I was high or something.
When my mother found out what was going on with me of course I was forced to eat normally again. I was fine for a while, but soon I found this disorder I was dealing with would reek havoc on my body and mind in vicious cycles. I turned to websites like prettythin to find support, and since I was 15 the other members of that site have been there to support me. I may deal with my disorder mostly in cycles, but I know prettythin is always there for me.
When I came to college I crashed and burned. All I could think to do was turn to the one thing I knew I could control, and I did. I have amazing friends like Sam, Ashley, and Emy to support me, but I don't think any of them can truly comprehend what each bite of food feels like. And I know my boyfriend loves me just the way I am, but he can tell me I'm beautiful all he wants to and I still won't believe it. It breaks my heart that I can't believe him because I want to so badly.
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