still broken over here, Doc

So I went to the doctor today, hoping to find out what the hell is wrong with me.  Well, I don't get to know what's wrong with me because they couldn't friggin figure it out!!!

This whole thing is so frustrating.  I've felt like shit for a week and a half and there's nothing I can do but sit here and suffer.  They asked me over and over if I could be pregnant and I can't.  I know FOR SURE my eggo is not preggo.  

So the doctor kept on talking and asking all kinds of questions which got her nowhere, then decided to do lab work.  ALL OF IT CAME BACK NORMAL.  Now, I'm not saying I WANT something to be wrong with me, but if something had come back abnormal at least I would know what was wrong.  

Now I get to continue suffering with random waves of god awful nausea and dizzy spells.  Hope I don't pass out or puke in class. I have a degree in history and anthropology to get people.

This is the look I give Jonathan when he tells me I have class and I feel like puking on him.

This is what I look like during class...

...and this is how I look after class and after spending two fucking hours at the doctors office only to hear that they don't fucking know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Damn doctors -_-

winter -_-

I have that whole icky, dry winter skin thing going on.  It's very inconvenient.  The tops of my hands are all dry and scratchy, and all around my elbows is the same way.  I feel gross.  I needs some advice children...what the hell kind of lotion do I need to use to get this to go away?

Picture Time!!

I love owls way too much.

I Tried

I tried so hard to eat lunch...I could only eat a little.
I hate people. Especially girls.
I got my results, still abnormal. Fuck my life.
I hate this, and I hate what you did to me.

worthless

worthless
disgusting
fat
ugly
bitch
useless
unworthy
slut
whore
piece of shit

I feel like all of this describes me at the moment.  I've been  pretty good lately, but things are getting to me and I can't help it.  I'm trying so hard for myself and my fiance to not go back to what I used to do to cope because I just can't.  I can't keep scarring my skin and starving my body.  It's not healthy...but it's so hard.




And I have nobody but him to talk to about it.  I can't put that on him though.  It isn't fair.  Nothing is fair.



I can't do anything right.

"You're the exception, not the rule."

Well...I've been cut out.  I'm pretty sure it has happened.

I had dinner with some people tonight.  One of these people was not pleased with the presence of Jonathan (at least that's the vibe both of us picked up), and it seemed like we were correct.  A conversation happened...this is what was heard:

Person 1:  Yellow 5 kills sperm blah blah blah gave it to TJ
Me:  TJ shouldn't reproduce.
Person 2: Like Jonathan.
Person 1: laughter

Now...Person 2 happens to be my maid of honor.  If she has such a problem with Jonathan why wouldn't she just tell me instead of denying it every time I ask her about it?  It's frustrating.

When I confronted Person 2 it was met with  yelling, screaming, cursing, and running away.  Maybe my timing could have been better, but ever since what was said was brought to my attention I had been pretty much pretending that I was okay.  When I was in the car on the way back I was miserable.  I can't believe she said that.  So I said something, because I couldn't pretend for people anymore tonight.

Jonathan and I are a package  deal.  If I have to lose friends because of that I guess I can deal with it.  He is my future, my everything, and my one and only true best friend.  He's my life partner and the man who will be the father of my children.  I would give up every friend I had ever made to be with him.  Call me a bitch for that, but it's true.  He is my everything.  I'm not choosing anybody else over him.

Now, I'm aware the people mentioned in this blog are probably going to read it, and that's fine.  You guys can think what you want about me.  I'm sorry things happened the way they did.  I'm sorry we probably won't be able to stay friends, and even if we can stay friends I know it wouldn't be the same as before.  It sucks.  But, I've been cut out and ditched before and can handle it.  I'm sorry I ruined your night, but sometimes you have to do what's best for you so you don't do something stupid later.

Would you hold it against me?

Some interesting lyrics have been haunting me recently..."If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?"

Which was immediately followed by "cause you feel like paradise...."

This made me think of my amazing fiance, whom I happen to get to fall asleep and wake up next to every day.  So I pretty much get him to hold his body against me errrday.  It's just nice.

I just can't believe a slutty damn Britney Spears song got me to think about something so sweet and loving.  Fuck you Britney. Fuck. You.

If you want to actually hear the song, please click here.

Britney Cat

SIT THE HELL DOWN! I. Am. Not. A. Gemini.

According to all these silly people in the world I went from being a cancer to being a gemini.  Not so sure how I feel about this.  I guess I went from being an overly sensitive and emotional creature to a chick with multiple personality disorder.  I have nothing against geminis...but I don't know how to be anything but a cancer.  That's the role I've always played, and learning new lines is not very appealing to me.

Ophiuchus

This is the guy we have to thank for all this zodiac craziness.

Cancer

The sign I always thought I was...and fit the description of -_-

Gemini

This is supposedly what I am now.

For all I know this is all complete and total bullshit, but it will make for some interesting self discovery I guess.

merf

So yesterday was the most stressful day EVER.  

1) find out fiance can't take anthro with me

2) have the worst car ride ever (for reasons I'm getting into because somethings should stay private) to Little Rock for an appointment

3) CAN'T FUCKING FIND THE GODDAMN DOCTOR'S OFFICE

4) my gyno leaves me sitting half naked in the cold for 10 mins waiting on her ass

5) deal with what a gyno actually does

6) get told I have to wait a week to find out anything

7) forced to drink sugar instead of sweet tea

8) have to drive on the very scary interstate

9) fight about going to the gym

Now...this sucked ass.  My night was decent.  We stopped fighting, and I'm going to the gym today instead.  It all worked out, but I have never had a day that put me under that much stress.  I was almost in tears.  Oh well, it's behind me.  Now I have to forget about being awake since 3:30am ^_^

Sleepy owl is sleepy.

Ah dude!  How did this picture of me make it to the internet so damn fast?

once again...

I DON'T SLEEP MOTHAFUCKAAAHHH!
 off that yak and a durban
Doin 120 gettin head while I'm swervin
(Damn Natalie, you a crazy chick)
Yo, shut the fuck up and suck my dick
I'm bustin dudes mouths like gushers motherfucker
Pull up on NBC and smack the shit outta Jeff Zucker
What you want Natalie? (To drink and fight!)
What you need Natalie? (To fuck all night!)
Don't test me when I'm crazy off that airplane glue
Put my foot down your throat til your shit in my shoe
Leave you screamin, pay for my dry-cleanin
Fuck your man it's my name that he's screamin!

[I] I'm sorry Natalie, are we to believe that you condone driving while intoxicated?
[N] I never said I was a role model
[I] But, what about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?

[Natalie Portman]
All the kids lookin up to me can suck my dick
It's Portman motherfucker, drink til I'm sick
Slit your throat and pour nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry; while I laugh, you die
And to all the dudes, you know I'm talkin to you
(We love you Natalie!) I wanna fuck you too!
(P!) It's for Portman! (P!) It's for pussy
I'll kill your fuckin dog for fun, so don't push me (hahaha..)

[I] Well Natalie, I'm surprised, all this from a Harvard graduate?
[N] Well, there's a lot you may not know about me
[I] Really, such as?

[Natalie Portman]
When I was in Harvard I smoked weed everyday
I cheated every test and snorted all the yay
I gotta def posse, you gotta lot of dudes
I sit right down on your face and take a shit

[The Lonely Island]
Natalie, you are a bad ass bitch (hell yeah~!)
And I'll always pay for your dry-cleanin
When my shit gets in your shoe (What!) as for the drug use
Well I can't vouch for that, my dick is scared of you (ooh)

[Outro]
[I] Hoky dok... Natalie, one final question. If you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood who would it... (Sound of chair being broken over the interviewer's head)
[N] No more questions

What!




I guess I have Natalie Portman on the brain because I just saw Black Swan the other day...and if she doesn't win best actress somebody needs to die. Just sayin.


So here is the actual video of the Natalie Portman rap.  It will always be a favorite of mine.

ramble ramble ramble

I have absolutely nothing interesting or worthy of your time to blog about.  I've been on edge constantly for almost a week!  This is due to one or a possible combo of these things:
A) I'm just that freaking ready to be away from home again.
B) I'm just that freaking ready to be back at Lyon again.
C) I'm just missing Jonathan that much(which is probably unhealthy).
D) I need some GODDAMN NICOTINE!!!!!

I picked the worst time ever to quit smoking.  I have so much respect for all these people who quit cold turkey.  I mean...that's what I did, but I'm about ready to pick this laptop up and throw it at my dad's tv.  Which is as long as I am diagonally...just saying- it's huge.

I'm not really going to throw my laptop.  I need to do something though.  Thankfully blogging is one of those things that keeps both the mind and hands busy.

..........................................................................................................................................................................................zzzZzzzZzzzZzzz....................................................................................bored......................................................need...nicotine...now...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I really could use some nicotine. ....................................
..why did I quit again?....................................................................................................oh! yeah, that thing called cancer people make such a big deal about...........................................................................................
................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ok...I don't need a cigarette..............................................
zzzZzzzZzzz..................................................................................................................................................


God help me.

FUNNY CATS YA'LL!!!

For those of you who haven't seen stealth cat yet, please click here.  

Because I'm a dog person humor me.

Jesus I have a problem...I can has help?

umm...ew.

I have successfully become one of THOSE women.  Now that I have made myself sick, I must do the same for everyone else.

Enjoy :)

Somebody stop me....like now.

I can has lesbian sex?

I want to see Black Swan like I want to win the lottery.  Just kidding.  I would rather win the lottery, but I really do want to see Black Swan.  Now- before you read too much into the title- I wanted to see Black Swan way before I knew Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis get their freak on in the movie.  I must say putting a lesbian sex scene(especially with those two my gawd!) was the greatest idea EVER! How do you get guys to go to a ballet movie? Lesbian sex.  How do you get girls to go see a thriller? Lesbian sex.  People are fascinated by lesbians.  EVERYBODY wants to see that.

OMG so many lols.

I must confess that even though I'm engaged and my bi career has ended after it barely started I am fascinated by the idea of Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis "doin their thang."

But really, I only have eyes for Jonathan...who happened to give me the greatest New Year's kiss ever :)

Seriously though, somebody has to think that's hot.