What?

I haven't posted anything for a long time because I haven't had anything to say.
I still don't have too much to say...
except that I've gotten fat, and I plan on changing that.

I'm starting a plan to get healthy with a friend:

• exercise Monday-Friday
• Saturday is treat day
• Sunday is a lazy day
• eat right everyday but Saturday
• don't eat after 8pm

I think I can do it.

Crafting Blog

Please follow my new crafting blog!  It's a fun way for me to stick to a hobby...for once.

Ladylikely Crafting

Some people really piss me off.  I feel like there has been a lot of the pot calling the kettle black with a certain somebody lately and I'm tired of it.  End tiny rant.

Good news:
My computer is finally fixed!
My wedding dress came in!
I'm getting crafty!

By getting crafty I mean I've started making jewelry (mostly necklaces) and latch hooking again.  Maybe latch hooking is a really lame hobby for a 19 year old to have, but it's entertaining on those days when Jonathan wants to do nothing but play games and deal with the fraternity.
Life is pretty ok right now, so I'm going to go enjoy it.

I apologize for all of the sad and emo "woe is me" blog posts, but THIS IS MY BLOG, and I'll cry if I want to ;)

Nothing

I think one of my house mates hates me now.
Oh well, I leave for home tomorrow.
AND, I do realize my posts lately have been short and pretty pointless.


My bad.

I suck.

I feel like a bad person.
I feel like a bad fiance.
I feel like a big fat cow.
I feel disgusting.
I feel like I want to hurt myself, but I promised I wouldn't.
Shit.

Safe!

I made it back to Batesvegas safely.  It was no where near as scary as going to Memphis so that's a plus.  I'm just scared of going back in 21 days.

I have a feeling I'm going to go nuts waiting to see him again. Especially because the next time I'm there we'll be looking at locations and finally setting a date!!

scurrrred

Getting to Memphis was so terrifying.  I got lost in the ghetto like five times.  I was in absolute hysterics.  It was awful.

I made the drive to Marion with my fiance to see how to get out of Memphis.  It was pretty scary and I don't remember half of it.  Then we drove back to Memphis.  It was pretty scary too.

a;ldkfjaldkfja;lskdjfasldfj;alsdkjfa

I'm really worried about getting out of here tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

going to memphis :)

Today at noon, for the first time ever, I will be making the drive to Memphis!  I'm terrified for the interstate part. I'm seriously scared to death of the interstate, but I have to do it sometime, and I am sick of not seeing my fiance.  This is the first big journey for my new car!

Wish me luck, and please pray that I don't die on the interstate! :)

i broke a nail...

I broke a nail in half to be exact.  Right across towards the top.  Let me just say...

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

I used to think girls who complained about broken nails were little bitches, but it really freakin hurts!

I'm taking this god-awful class known as volleyball and table tennis.  We do  volleyball for the first half and table tennis for the second half of the term.  Now, I played volleyball in high school PE and it was fun.  I expected to enjoy this but I hate it with a passion so far.  I almost cried over a freakin nail.  I'm just not cut out for sports at all.

At least I don't have to walk all the way from my apt to the gym today...MY CAR IS HERE!!!
I'm happy :)

Now I must go and see what humiliation is waiting for me this afternoon.  I hope I survive.

I SAID YES TO THE DRESS!!!!!

I found my wedding dress yesterday!  I'm super happy with it :)  It's the Maggie Sottero Fantasia.  Look it up if you wish, but my fiance reads this blog so I am not about to post pictures.

Unfortunately, this means I must cancel my appointment at Bridals by Lori.

do this for me

If you are even the slightest bit interested in interior design (and adorable cats) please go read this blog.  This woman has done some of the cutest rooms I've ever seen.  She's given me plenty of ideas for my house after Jonathan and I get married.

PLUS:  She sometimes posts awesome recipes and adorable cat pictures.

....

I haven't blogged in a while because absolutely nothing interesting is happening.

I started a new painting and it was going well...but now it looks like butt.

That is all.

kthxbye

I have no idea if I've posted this picture on here yet but...

so cute

I'm really bored.  Nothing exciting is happening in my blog world and I've checked facebook and twitter way more than is healthy.  Speaking of my health, sitting on my ass in Memphis is not helping my normally healthy lifestyle.  I can already tell I'm puffier than normal.  When I get home I MUST start going to the gym and watching what I eat again.  

In other news:

I called and made an appointment at Bridals by Lori this morning.  Yes, I will drive all the way to Atlanta, Georgia to begin the search for my dream dress.  Armed with 3,000 dollars and one awesome Gram I think I can "say yes to the dress."  LOLS. 

ultra sexual the night has got me love sprung

Jonathan is letting me play dj while he plays a computer game XD  I know it's lame, but it is a way to spend time with him and I'm all for it.

So I get to send a big F U! to my car thief.  I'm slowly replacing what was stolen along with the car one item at a time.

1.  The car.

I went from this...

...to this!

2.  Yoga mat

I had one like this...

...now I have a better one that looks like this.

It's thicker and it's a very pale yellow color.

3.  My purse.

I had one similar to this...

...and now I have one like this.

Mine is black and blue though.

Today I shall finally replace the iPod that was in the car.  I decided on the 16 gig nano.

So I'll be replacing my classic...

With a nano.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time my friend Willa played a song called Swing Tree by Discovery for me.

Once upon a time an ex-boyfriend told me he loved my long red hair, so I cut it off and dyed it dark brown.

Once upon a time I was young and still thought I was pretty.

Once upon a time I was the ultimate ugly duckling.

Once upon a time I made straight As.

Once upon a time my biggest issue was which friend's sleepover I was going to.

Once upon a time I didn't know how to apply make-up.

Once upon a time I couldn't straighten my hair on my own.

Once upon a time college was forever away.

Once upon a time I was cursed when it came to my love life.

Once upon a time I met Jonathan.

Once upon a time Jonathan asked me to be his girlfriend.

Once upon a time Jonathan asked me to marry him, and I said yes.

Once upon a time...I mean on 5/10/87 Jonathan was born.
Happy birthday, honey!

I Live in the State of Atlantis

Seriously though!  There is so much water in this state right now (Arkansas wooo pig sooie!) and Tennessee.  It actually prevented Jonathan from getting back to school until Wednesday, half way through finals week.  The white river in this town is super high, and it's high everywhere else too. Downtown Memphis is underwater and so are other parts of the city.  So many people in this regions have already lost homes.  It's devastating.

I-40

Georgetown, the White River did this

highway 64 at the Agusta bridge

o_0

OMG THIS WEATHER NEEDS TO SIT THE HELL DOWN.

I'm aware that weather can't actually "sit the hell down," but it should stop.  There are like four tornadoes floating around, some of which passed through my hometown and went under B-Ville.  I am forced to stay inside the apartment instead of being able to move from place to place because it's a damn monsoon outside right now.  It's very inconvenient.  I am soaking wet due to a Taco Bell adventure...which was most likely a mistake.  Places in Arkansas are getting wrecked right now.

......

I remember when I liked the rain.

agian...i just suck

I really need to learn to just keep my mouth shut.  That is all I'm going to say about the title of this post.

ANYWHO:

My car is being purchased tomorrow!!!!



I am sooooo excited to finally have a car again.  I won't be able to drive it for a while, but it will be mine.  I haven't had a car since December since some people think it's just so much fun to steal cars from poor college students during finals week.

Unfortunately, I have work to do tomorrow so I must end my...rant?

ANNOYING PEOPLE

Some people just annoy the everliving shit out of me.  I can't help it.  I have no clue why, but some unfortunate individuals are just meant to be hated by me.  They usually start out okay, but something they do will start eating at me until I'm a giant bundle of rage and I want to scream every single solitary time they open their mouths.

Recently I have grown to fricking LOATH one of my fiance's friends.  I don't know why, but his voice annoys me, his being annoys me, his hair annoys me, his giant honker hanging off his face annoys me, everything about this person annoys me.

Unfortunately he's in the room right now and he won't FUCKING SHUT UP!!!!!!  I want to scream.  All I really want right now is for Jonathan to come to bed, but this person just keeps fucking talking.

End rant.

SHUT THE HELL UP AND SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE

I'm just a holy fool, oh baby it's so cruel, but I'm still in love with Judas, baby!

I love Lady GaGa's new song Judas.  Like...I'm probably slightly obsessed.  I don't understand the line about an ear condom though...

Anyway I thought more funny pictures would be nice:

Lady GaGa

Rihanna

Ke$ha

feelings of omg i really suck

I became incredibly stressed yesterday.

I had to read an entire book for my anthro class, and despite having read from the time I was fully awake yesterday to the time I was asleep I still didn't get finished until this morning.  I took the quiz and it wasn't that bad.  I feel like I did ok-ish, but this isn't what stressed me out so much...

So I'm laying down with Jonathan and the conversation is as follows:

Jonathan:  Did you finish that book?
Me:  No, I'm going to speed read it in the morning.
Jonathan:  Don't you have a paper due?
Me:  ...no...
Jonathan:  ...Psych?...
Me:  OH FUCK!!!!  [covers face]  I think I'm gonna cry.  Oh my God I'm actually crying about this right now...


I can not begin to tell you how stressed and freaked out I automatically became.  It was not cool.  I pretty much stayed stressed, shaky, and teary eyed until Jonathan was asleep and I felt it would be safe to self-medicate with cough syrup.  I want to sleep and stayed that way all night, but I had freaky dreams.  As in Lyon College became a church and Jonathan was there with all these women in big poofy dresses because they were all gonna dance to Christmas music and Jonathan wanted me to stay but I couldn't and people got mad at me when I was trying to leave because I was stepping on dresses but I had to get this flash drive to Mr. Roddy who happens to be a vice principle at my high school because if I didn't he was gonna lose his job. And yes, that all had to be one sentence.

Anywho, I managed to finish the book, take the quiz, and write the paper for psych.  I did have to skip my theatre class though :/  Oh well, I feel ok right now.

selective ocd and sexual deviance

I came to the realization one night listening to the Tron: Legacy soundtrack that I am incredibly OCD in the shower.  I have a set routine that I MUST follow to feel comfortable about my cleanliness:

1.  Shampoo hair
2.  Condition hair
3.  use Proactive on face and upper back to prevent acne
4.  wash my body
5.  shave my legs
6.  shave my underarms(armpits just sounds icky)
7.  shave my...well...you know

And it continues when I get out of the shower as well:

1.  dry off my body
2.  towel dry my hair with one side of the towel
3.  flip it over to the other side and dry some more
4.  flip it upside down and dry with that side
5.  flip it over and pile my hair on top of my head

Oh! There's another process as well:

1. dress my bottom half
2.  unwrap hair
3.  use root awakening spray*
4.  dress my upper half

I have to do it this way.  If I mess up the routine it bothers me, thus leaving me feeling unbalanced.  It's really silly when I think about it.

To get away from my showering habits...
We talked about sexual deviances is intro to psych today.  For some reason I think I'm gonna get a perfect score on that section of the exam.  I'm fascinated by things of sexual nature.

*I've been using the John Frida root awakening shampoo, conditioner, and leave in spray.  It's wonderful so go try it.

this year...

I look back on this year slightly disappointed.  As far as academia goes I pretty much failed epically.  I'm disappointed in myself because I know damn good and well I could have done much, much better(especially first semester).  I'm aware some of it was beyond my control, but there were things that could have been helped.

While I may not have gained much academic knowledge I learned a lot about myself. I don't by any means think I wasted time here.  I may have screwed up but maybe I needed to.  If I had to go back and do it all again there isn't much I would change.  All the choices I make, whether good or bad, make me the person I am right now.

For the most part life is good...I don't plan on changing that.



Well, I'm super stressed and have a lot to do.  Consider this my one night of fun ;)

yeeesssssss

I'm Terrible

I suck at life.
Ok, maybe I don't completely suck at life, but I did something bad today.  Not only did I break that whole Lent thing by purchasing a pair of sandals I did not need, but I drank a coffee drink too.

1.  I gave up shopping for Lent.
2.  I'm allergic to caffeine and now I hate life.

While the sandals are wonderful I still didn't need them plus my bank account took a bit of a hit and I still haven't mailed payment for a ticket I got on the way to Memphis with Jonathan.   I feel pretty lousy about some of the choices I've made lately.  I could really be doing better.

On a positive note:
I have the funds to pay the ticket, Scottish Fest is this weekend, I've been going to the gym and getting a fantastic workout, and I have new yoga things and chacos on the way because my gram loves me.



...but I'm still stressing about EVERYTHING...

we had a promise made, we were in love

Please click here to witness the most amazing thing ever done with bouncy balls and a beautiful song I discovered courtesy of Bones.

Heartbeats by Jose Ganzalez

One night to be confused
one night to speed up truth
we had a promise made
four hands and then away

both under influense
we had devine scent
to know what to say
mind is a razorblade

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

one night of magic rush
the start a simple touch
one night to push and scream
and then releaf

ten days of perfect tunes
the colors red and blue
we had a promise made
we were in love

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough

and you, you knew the hands of the devil
and you, kept us awake with wolf teeths
sharing different heartbeats
in one night

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

wow what a fail

So I was going to try to do BEDA...it isn't happening.  I don't have the time or the interesting life to blog every single day this month.

I went to they gym last night for the first time in FOREVER.  I took my friend Willa and she was like a kid in a candy store.  I think she tried everything in the room.  She's fitness savvy.  After working out we both did some much needed yoga.  I hadn't done yoga in forever either since some nice car thief took my mat along with my vehicle -_-

I started the search for a new mat today, and this website is seriously the best thing I've ever discovered.

don't do anything today that you'll regret tomorrow

back to restricting once again.  yayayay life.

For my inspiration click here, here, and here.

I am not condoning my behavior at all.  I wouldn't wish this on anybody, but if it's something you feel like you need or want to see there it is.

Be safe, be strong.

I haven't been in control of my own thoughts when it comes to food since I was 13 years old.  It's so sad and so frustrating that five years later I still can't do anything without counting and stressing and weighing.  I was doing so well for so long and one little video sent me reeling again.
I just want to be back in control of my own life because this is too much.  I can't do it.
It's pushing me away from people I love and I am sick of looking in the mirror or looking down at my thighs and only seeing disgusting fat.  It's taking away from my school work because all I can think about is how ugly I am or what I've eaten or how I need to go the gym as soon as class is over.
As much as I want to get better I still want to keep on because I NEED to be thinner.  Just a little bit thinner, and maybe I'll get there.

Why can't I have this?

7:20 am

so it's a little after seven in the damn morning and I haven't slept at all tonight.  this is most likely due to my lack of sleep the night before and my abundance of sleep yesterday.

I have the plague and I want no judgement.

Instead of just laying in bed trying to force sleep upon myself I did productive things.  I got some reading done for my anthropology class and I'm attempting to study for my language of music exam I have at 2:30pm today.  I'm considering a short nap though...but I must get to class this afternoon regardless of how much mucus is pressing into my brain or how much pressure is building up inside my ears or how much I feel like I'm dying in general.

In other news:
I'm going home tomorrow!! I've been slightly homesick :( I was home for one night at the beginning and end of spring break, but the bulk of it was spent in Memphis with my fiance Jonathan's family (btw I can't figure out how to do the accent above that e! no judgement please).  My best friend from back home is starting her spring break and she'll be in town. HOPEFULLY, if the plague allows it, we'll get to do lunch on Saturday or something.
I'm going to enjoy a few precious moments by myself/complete some schoolwork/see my friends this weekend, but I'll miss Jonathan dearly.