I haven't been in control of my own thoughts when it comes to food since I was 13 years old.  It's so sad and so frustrating that five years later I still can't do anything without counting and stressing and weighing.  I was doing so well for so long and one little video sent me reeling again.
I just want to be back in control of my own life because this is too much.  I can't do it.
It's pushing me away from people I love and I am sick of looking in the mirror or looking down at my thighs and only seeing disgusting fat.  It's taking away from my school work because all I can think about is how ugly I am or what I've eaten or how I need to go the gym as soon as class is over.
As much as I want to get better I still want to keep on because I NEED to be thinner.  Just a little bit thinner, and maybe I'll get there.

Why can't I have this?