don't do anything today that you'll regret tomorrow

back to restricting once again.  yayayay life.

For my inspiration click here, here, and here.

I am not condoning my behavior at all.  I wouldn't wish this on anybody, but if it's something you feel like you need or want to see there it is.

Be safe, be strong.

I haven't been in control of my own thoughts when it comes to food since I was 13 years old.  It's so sad and so frustrating that five years later I still can't do anything without counting and stressing and weighing.  I was doing so well for so long and one little video sent me reeling again.
I just want to be back in control of my own life because this is too much.  I can't do it.
It's pushing me away from people I love and I am sick of looking in the mirror or looking down at my thighs and only seeing disgusting fat.  It's taking away from my school work because all I can think about is how ugly I am or what I've eaten or how I need to go the gym as soon as class is over.
As much as I want to get better I still want to keep on because I NEED to be thinner.  Just a little bit thinner, and maybe I'll get there.

Why can't I have this?

7:20 am

so it's a little after seven in the damn morning and I haven't slept at all tonight.  this is most likely due to my lack of sleep the night before and my abundance of sleep yesterday.

I have the plague and I want no judgement.

Instead of just laying in bed trying to force sleep upon myself I did productive things.  I got some reading done for my anthropology class and I'm attempting to study for my language of music exam I have at 2:30pm today.  I'm considering a short nap though...but I must get to class this afternoon regardless of how much mucus is pressing into my brain or how much pressure is building up inside my ears or how much I feel like I'm dying in general.

In other news:
I'm going home tomorrow!! I've been slightly homesick :( I was home for one night at the beginning and end of spring break, but the bulk of it was spent in Memphis with my fiance Jonathan's family (btw I can't figure out how to do the accent above that e! no judgement please).  My best friend from back home is starting her spring break and she'll be in town. HOPEFULLY, if the plague allows it, we'll get to do lunch on Saturday or something.
I'm going to enjoy a few precious moments by myself/complete some schoolwork/see my friends this weekend, but I'll miss Jonathan dearly.

sick again

I'm sick and have absolutely no energy to come up with something creative so I'm gonna post pictures of cute things.

done

so...I tried and it got me nowhere.
You obviously don't care and neither do I.
I'm done.
I quite.
I'm tired of hearing lies and lying.
DONE